I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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