oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
