guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
