I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Even my vagina gasped.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
