i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
