i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
