plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
