I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
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Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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