I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
