why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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