As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
