My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
