oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
