there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
