good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
