My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
