Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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