I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
