I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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