Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
