Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
