Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
