i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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