I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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