Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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