if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
