Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
