Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
