Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
