Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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