you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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