I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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