Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
