They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
