She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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