You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
