I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
