Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
someone owes me an orgasm
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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