i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
