My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
