I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
