I wish I only lived at night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
