he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
