Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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