im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
