Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
