my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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