My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
