remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
