wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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