Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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