Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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