It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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