tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
