Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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