The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
