Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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