I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
